People Do Stupid Things In College

Beware: The following content will alter your views of me. I am almost certain that you never knew I was this nerdy. Everything stated below is true, even when you start thinking, “Did she seriously do this?” Yes, I did. I don’t lie. Also, you may be a little jealous.

I knew I’d write about this topic at some point, just as I knew I’d write about my childhood bedroom walls. On Tuesday I asked if y’all have a toilet paper preference. I realized that this would be a good time to tell you all about this. I hope you enjoy…

The year was 2005. The month was August. The city was Austin, Texas. I am the main character. It was the beginning of my junior year of college and it was my second year in an apartment. One afternoon I went to HEB to get groceries and other necessities. All seemed to be going well until a dark cloud came and ruined an otherwise cheery grocery trip. I found myself in the toilet paper aisle surrounded by countless types of toilet paper. I realized that I was lost. One ply, two ply, three ply, ultra, super, extra, soft, plush, single roll, double roll, triple roll, with aloe, quilted, printed. It went on and on. I needed a map.

I read the packages and quickly became overwhelmed. I was stressed by the immense pressure to pick the perfect roll. It was just too much, I couldn’t handle it. I was two Charmin bears away from a complete breakdown. I was about to walk away paperless when I realized that the problem will not go away. I would face this dilemma often, until forever. Right there, standing in front of those Charmin bears, I came up with a brilliant idea. I would try them all! Yes! Yes, I would try them all! And then I would decide which one is the best and I’d never be confused again!

So that’s exactly what I did. I came home and told my roommate about my plan. She was on board! A few minutes later, we had this.

The Toilet Paper Log

And so it began. We made a sign and hung it in our bathroom. I didn’t keep it so I have no idea what it said. But it mentioned something about writing down your toilet paper review or else you were never allowed back in our apartment. We had a small table in the bathroom that we left it on. At the beginning of a new package, we’d write the type and tape in a sample. (It should be noted that any water spots you see in the photos are because the log sat on a table below the towel hook. It got dripped on a lot.)

It’s hard to see in that photo. You can click on it to make it bigger. Throughout the usage of the rolls, we were all to record our thoughts. Everything should be taken into account: number 1, number 2, nose blowing, makeup removal, texture, visual appeal, etc. All thoughts were welcome. When the final roll was hanging, we made a note in the journal so we’d know to make our final assessments.

The Final Flush

There were a few rules. Not many. First of all, the space is to be used for reviews and educational toilet paper related discussion. My friend Kelly never got that. It was like pulling teeth to get her to write her reviews. She often verbalized them to us but rarely recorded them in the log. See below.

Secondly, if you were new to the apartment you had to make an entry. If you didn’t, we would be mad at you and question the validity of your friendship and hesitate to invite you back. My friend Jim made this mistake. He was a new friend at the time, I didn’t know him well. But he already had one strike against him – he was a Sooner. I told him I’d be willing to let a Sooner into my apartment if he swore to contribute. He swore, but he didn’t contribute. The next day I received an email with an apology. I printed it and added it to our book. You can see it on the left.

You can see that there is also an ad taped in the right side. The original ad is for Clorox Toilet Wand and reads “Just be glad we don’t make toilet paper.” It appears that I used this ad as the “sample” for our next package of toilet paper. I crossed out “Clorox Toilet Wand” and renamed it. The note below it says, “This tp is awesome… if your goal is to sand down some ply wood.”  I tried to keep all brand names and true opinions out of the pictures incase one of the toilet paper companies out there wants to purchase this wonderful journal from me. It’s gold. But I guess I included the name of that one company. Oh well, my journal notes say that this receives a grade worse than an F-… it receives an Incomplete.

We didn’t just put ads, my roommate once included an article. I’m sure you can see the title in the photo, the article tells us that a man killed his roommate because there was no toilet paper. See, we aren’t the only ones that think toilet paper is really important!

My note on the side says, “It’s weird b/c he really looks like a nice fella…”

Seriously, I’m not lying when I say that this book is gold. It’s a toilet paper company’s dream. Unedited opinions, discussion, and analysis of the competitors. Stephen and I were reading through this last night. I laughed so hard. We were both impressed with our wit and our dedication to the topic of toilet paper. There were marketing ideas geared for kids and college students. There were poems and stories and page long entries. It’s brilliant.

I will leave you with the final post in the Toilet Paper Log. It’s an entry from Stephen.

I told you that you’d be jealous!

**Edited to add: Go over to Lauren from Texas’ blog. Today is her 6 month blogiversary and she’s got a GIVEAWAY going on!!