People Do Stupid Things In College

October 29, 2009 at 8:44 am 27 comments

Beware: The following content will alter your views of me. I am almost certain that you never knew I was this nerdy. Everything stated below is true, even when you start thinking, “Did she seriously do this?” Yes, I did. I don’t lie. Also, you may be a little jealous.

I knew I’d write about this topic at some point, just as I knew I’d write about my childhood bedroom walls. On Tuesday I asked if y’all have a toilet paper preference. I realized that this would be a good time to tell you all about this. I hope you enjoy…

The year was 2005. The month was August. The city was Austin, Texas. I am the main character. It was the beginning of my junior year of college and it was my second year in an apartment. One afternoon I went to HEB to get groceries and other necessities. All seemed to be going well until a dark cloud came and ruined an otherwise cheery grocery trip. I found myself in the toilet paper aisle surrounded by countless types of toilet paper. I realized that I was lost. One ply, two ply, three ply, ultra, super, extra, soft, plush, single roll, double roll, triple roll, with aloe, quilted, printed. It went on and on. I needed a map.

I read the packages and quickly became overwhelmed. I was stressed by the immense pressure to pick the perfect roll. It was just too much, I couldn’t handle it. I was two Charmin bears away from a complete breakdown. I was about to walk away paperless when I realized that the problem will not go away. I would face this dilemma often, until forever. Right there, standing in front of those Charmin bears, I came up with a brilliant idea. I would try them all! Yes! Yes, I would try them all! And then I would decide which one is the best and I’d never be confused again!

So that’s exactly what I did. I came home and told my roommate about my plan. She was on board! A few minutes later, we had this.

The Toilet Paper Log
Toilet Paper Log

And so it began. We made a sign and hung it in our bathroom. I didn’t keep it so I have no idea what it said. But it mentioned something about writing down your toilet paper review or else you were never allowed back in our apartment. We had a small table in the bathroom that we left it on. At the beginning of a new package, we’d write the type and tape in a sample. (It should be noted that any water spots you see in the photos are because the log sat on a table below the towel hook. It got dripped on a lot.)

sample

It’s hard to see in that photo. You can click on it to make it bigger. Throughout the usage of the rolls, we were all to record our thoughts. Everything should be taken into account: number 1, number 2, nose blowing, makeup removal, texture, visual appeal, etc. All thoughts were welcome. When the final roll was hanging, we made a note in the journal so we’d know to make our final assessments.

The Final Flush
final flush

There were a few rules. Not many. First of all, the space is to be used for reviews and educational toilet paper related discussion. My friend Kelly never got that. It was like pulling teeth to get her to write her reviews. She often verbalized them to us but rarely recorded them in the log. See below.

kellys bad entry

Secondly, if you were new to the apartment you had to make an entry. If you didn’t, we would be mad at you and question the validity of your friendship and hesitate to invite you back. My friend Jim made this mistake. He was a new friend at the time, I didn’t know him well. But he already had one strike against him – he was a Sooner. I told him I’d be willing to let a Sooner into my apartment if he swore to contribute. He swore, but he didn’t contribute. The next day I received an email with an apology. I printed it and added it to our book. You can see it on the left.

jims apology

You can see that there is also an ad taped in the right side. The original ad is for Clorox Toilet Wand and reads “Just be glad we don’t make toilet paper.” It appears that I used this ad as the “sample” for our next package of toilet paper. I crossed out “Clorox Toilet Wand” and renamed it. The note below it says, “This tp is awesome… if your goal is to sand down some ply wood.”  I tried to keep all brand names and true opinions out of the pictures incase one of the toilet paper companies out there wants to purchase this wonderful journal from me. It’s gold. But I guess I included the name of that one company. Oh well, my journal notes say that this receives a grade worse than an F-… it receives an Incomplete.

We didn’t just put ads, my roommate once included an article. I’m sure you can see the title in the photo, the article tells us that a man killed his roommate because there was no toilet paper. See, we aren’t the only ones that think toilet paper is really important!

tp killer

My note on the side says, “It’s weird b/c he really looks like a nice fella…”

Seriously, I’m not lying when I say that this book is gold. It’s a toilet paper company’s dream. Unedited opinions, discussion, and analysis of the competitors. Stephen and I were reading through this last night. I laughed so hard. We were both impressed with our wit and our dedication to the topic of toilet paper. There were marketing ideas geared for kids and college students. There were poems and stories and page long entries. It’s brilliant.

I will leave you with the final post in the Toilet Paper Log. It’s an entry from Stephen.

stephens drawing

I told you that you’d be jealous!

**Edited to add: Go over to Lauren from Texas’ blog. Today is her 6 month blogiversary and she’s got a GIVEAWAY going on!!

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Loser 8.07: Baseball Has Never Been So Talentless Seven Quick Takes (vol.13)

27 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Marie  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

    You could probably get that published. I’d buy it.

  • 2. bigjimou  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Best.Post.Ever.

  • 3. thatmarriedcouple  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Oh, too fantastic! I think you’re the coolest and am jealous none of my friends ever came up with this idea!

    Does it make me nerdy if I actually did click on the pictures to get a closer look? Someone else out there did that too, right?

  • 4. Pippy  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:51 am

    lol I would buy that too.
    That is so funny.

  • 5. Lyndsey  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Now everyone understands my answer from earlier in the week about my toilet paper preference being uniquely tied to yours. I am pretty sure Pam and Jerry evern commented in the Toilet Paper Log Book. I know they are still telling the story to all their friends. I think it is only funny now becuase of how seriously everyone took it.

  • 6. kelly  |  October 29, 2009 at 9:58 am

    LOLOLOLOLOL! such great memories…even if i didn’t write in it like i should 🙂 i still remember mark z’s full page entry! you need to bust that out next time lyndsey and i come over so we can relive the fun.

  • 7. Lindsay  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:16 am

    I remember that book. When you got it, that’s when I knew my sister was a little weird. BUT I did contribute..if only a few times!

  • 8. Molly  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:24 am

    WOW. I don’t think there’s anything else to say but WOW

  • 9. Stephanie  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Are you seriously not going to tell us your final results??? Really?? How am I going to buy the perfect roll of toilet paper????

  • 10. jill  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:34 am

    His poetry and illustrations are to be applauded.

    I usually buy Charmin but recently bought Cottonelle because it was on sale. My dad told me it was like “John Wayne toilet paper.”

  • 11. rachelheather  |  October 29, 2009 at 11:10 am

    I’m pretty sure I was only in your apartment once, but I remember thinking that book was hilarious. Such a brilliant idea!

  • 12. HoustonGurly  |  October 29, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Ummmm… Not sure what to say. It’s funny once you get past the gross factor. 🙂

  • 13. Sara  |  October 29, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I just have to know, which TP won??? I am always uncertain of what kind to buy. This is pure genius!

  • 14. osarah  |  October 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Wow, that’s awesome. When did you wrap this up? I never heard of it at your apartment, but then again, I didn’t meet you until your senior year.

  • 15. Kathleen  |  October 29, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    This is why we have to be friends. The title of this post doesn’t even make sense, because this idea is ingenious. But you HAVE to tell us what the results were!

  • 16. mbowman7  |  October 29, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    lol….Too Funny !!!

  • 17. Dionne C  |  October 29, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    OH my gosh, this is freakin’ HILARIOUS!!! I love it! What a fun idea. So what brand of paper did you settle on?

    Bad news. My husband had already made plans that I totally forgot about in my excitement about the get-together. But I would so love to meet up with some Houston Bloggers! I am sure I will put on something too. I flew out to Cali in June and hosted a Blogger’s Lunch there which was a ton of fun. If you search the tab Blogger’s Meetup on my blog, you will see it. But yeah, we will meet up soon! I have been wanting to do one in Houston

  • 18. Stephany  |  October 29, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Too funny! I absolutely loved this! Very detailed and well thought-out! Nice little research project!

    Which brand won, though? I need to know this kind of info! TP is very important to me!

  • 19. Lisa D  |  October 29, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Ok, that is hilarious. And genius. You should be like a toilet paper sales rep or something (it’s actually quite a lucrative job, I know someone who used to do it).

    Oh, and this is the last week where I”ll be doing the 10 on Thur v. Tues. Going forward I”ll do it on Tuesdays like everyone else!!

  • 20. Big W-D  |  October 29, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    I am shocked. Shocked!

    Well, not that shocked.

  • 21. Ashley  |  October 29, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    That is a marketers dream!

    And TP is one of those things that magically appeared growing up… it was never a choice. When I moved out I got introduced into all kinds of crazy things I never thought about. Like those bleach tabs for the toilet tank, they don’t just magically appear and make the toilet nice and clean between cleanings.

  • 22. Lauren From Texas  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    oh. my. gosh.

    that’s all I can say right now.

    also – remember how you asked me if it took me a long time to poop? and I said no? and you said, “me either!” but then we talked about how it takes guys way longer?

    now, every time I poop, I think about that.

    Thank you.

  • 23. The Husband  |  October 29, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    I had such a great time going back through that journal; I forgot how freaking hilarious it was and how everyone pretty much added something new and insane to it.

    I’m only sad that my ode to dissapointment in the bathroom and cartoon were the last entries because they had to do only with the act of and use of the toilet going experience… not the actual toilet paper.

    Maybe we can try this again someday after all the brands that exist now have finally changed their products enough to where they don’t exist as they use to.

  • 24. Courtney  |  October 30, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Wow, I have to say I’m totally impressed with my brother’s artwork and wit!

    Now, did the cover of that TP journal say “Hot Colon” or am I reading that wrong??? ew!

  • 25. Alyssa  |  October 30, 2009 at 8:31 am

    That.Is.AWESOME!!! Thanks for sharing that with us. TP is a very important issue…when we lived in the dorms, we always bought our own instead of using the one ply crap that housing provided!

  • 26. This Heavenly Life  |  October 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Is it strange that this is one of my favorite R&R posts? So flippin’ hilarious. I’ll never look at tp the same way again. ‘Chelsea’ is tattooed on my heart now..every time I go to wipe…you’ll be there 🙂 What an impact 😉

  • 27. Veronica  |  November 1, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    im catching up on blogs right now, and i’m so glad i read this post…i so remember your TP log. it was my first time over at your apartment, and i thought it was a brilliant idea!

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