Attacks on Black Friday

December 3, 2009 at 9:16 am 25 comments

(Okay so this is long but I have so many things to tell you! I just can’t help it! Deal with it. I’ll be having a giveaway tomorrow so you can’t stay mad at me for long.)

I love my husband. This is no secret. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes you laugh. But, you know, we’re married. And when you are married and live in the same house, sometimes you take your spouse for granted. (I very often tell Stephen how lucky he is to have a wife who cooks dinner for him every night. But then I remember that he’s okay with fast food and take out every day, and that just makes me want to kick him in the shins.)

Tuesday night was a night that God practically came into my house and said, “Chelsea, don’t take your husband for granted.”

We got home from work fairly late since we had a couple errands to run. I went to the kitchen to preheat the oven for my “Mexican Chicken Made With Turkey, Therefore Mexican Turkey.” Stephen went to the living room to turn on the television so his wife wouldn’t miss a single second of Biggest Loser. I then went into our spare room where Rookie hangs out while we’re gone.

“Oh my gosh. Oh. my. gosh. OH MY GOSH. Stephen. Oh my gosh.”

A few seconds went by before Stephen could pull himself away from Obama on television. He came in. “Oh my gosh.”

Explosive dog diarrhea all over. We had white carpet and white walls. No longer. We had a house that didn’t smell like crap. No longer. It was awful. Terrible. I gagged. I wanted to hug and comfort my poor dog who had never dumped indoors ever before. But I didn’t touch her… because well, she’d just diarrhea-ed all over and that stuff tends to get on everything. And you want to know what my amazing husband did?? He turned to me and said, “You go finish dinner and get ready for Loser. I’ll clean this up.”

Lord bless him. Like, a lot.

(For the record, you can’t clean 972 liquid crap stains out of white carpet with normal “over the counter” cleaner. Stanley Steemer is at my house at this very moment. I didn’t tell them what they had to look forward to. I thought it would be a nice surprise.)

Now do you all have good feelings in your mind about Stephen? Do you love him just a little bit more? Okay, hold on to that feeling because some of you aren’t going to like the rest of this. It’s about hunting.

Some of you won’t care. Like my friend Lyndsey. If you can drink a glass of wine while watching a deer get gutted, we’re probably on the same page. She and I are on the same page. If I sat her down and showed her these photos and told her these stores, she wouldn’t say, “Oh gross! Blood!” She’d say something cool like, “Sweet. Who shot him? How many points is he?” If you can relate, you’re probably from Texas. Or maybe you should move here. Anyways, if you start reading and don’t like it, skip the pictures. I’m posting the “nicest” of the batch but some people can’t handle it. You’ve been warned.

We spent Wednesday through Saturday last week in a small town south of a small town in south Texas. Also known as: Practically Mexico. My Papa works for a bank in another small town in south Texas and has access to their hunting camp. On holidays when we’ve prayed real hard, we get to use it. It’s fabulous… as far as hunting camps go.

Last year Stephen shot his first deer. And coyote. And quail. And dove. And probably 4 or 5 other species. He was thrilled because he’s a man and that sort of thing makes him puff his chest. I was thrilled because that meant I had venison in my freezer and wouldn’t have to buy ground beef for a long time. And then I ate it and wanted to hurl. It was awful. Stephen loved it, but he loves everything that isn’t soup.

So this year I told him not to kill a deer. I don’t want that funk in my freezer. I just end up making crappy meals that I hate. So his goal was to get a rabbit. One rabbit. That’s all he wanted. Then my parents said they wouldn’t mind having some venison, so if he shot a deer, they’d take it. Then my brother (who wasn’t able to come with us because his wife is 8 months pregnant) said he’d like some sausage, so if he shot a deer and a hog, he’d take it. New mission: kill a rabbit, a hog, and a deer large enough to split between multiple people.

Let me tell you one thing about my studly husband. He doesn’t miss. Seriously. So when he went out to the blind on the first morning he was vewy vewy qwiet as he was hunting wabbits. A rabbit he wanted, a rabbit he got.

Here he is waiting for Papa to pull the truck a bit closer so he doesn’t have to haul this beast too far.

I’m not sure if there’s enough space in the freezer to store all that meat.

I mentally reorganized my freezer and made peace with the fact that there would be a large rodent in there. And I didn’t really care if he killed anything else because it wasn’t coming home with us. He had other ideas.

See that buck spooning that hog? Those are Stephen’s. Here is Texas, our animals comfort each other in their time of need. Either that or they were cuddling and trying to get used to each other since they knew it’s only a matter of time that they’d be put together forever in the form of sausage.

Sometimes I pretend that it’s my deer because it makes me feel tough. Like a modern day Annie Oakley. Then I let Stephen jump in and do the dirty work.

Check out how focused he is. For those of you who don’t know anything about cleaning a deer, one wrong cut and you’ve ruined some good meat. And another wrong cut and you’ve ruin a good finger. Slow and steady wins the race here. So while he focuses on not hurting himself or his dinner, I focus on having a beer and staying a safe distance from blood and stink.

That’s my sister, can you tell? That’s my scarf too, can you tell?

I don’t have many pictures of the hog for you. Most of the ones I have involve a lot of blood, guts, and bones. Something tells me that if I post them you’ll throw a fit. I’ll share this one final one with you. This is after the gutting but before the skinning and especially gory parts.

On Saturday we took the meat to my aunt and uncle’s house to process it. My uncle cooked up some patties and, turns out, I like venison. I think we must’ve had a bad deer last year. The meat is WORLDS apart. I could never understand why people like it. So now I really do have a full freezer.

And that, my friends, is how Texas does Thanksgiving. Jealous? Just wait until tomorrow when you see how we do Christmas.

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Entry filed under: Chelsea, Family, Holidays, Marriage, Stephen. Tags: , , , .

Loser 8.12: Wait, What? The Way Texans Do Christmas

25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. John  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Oh, man. I am jealous. Sometime after Sarah and I move back to Texas Stephen and I will have to go hunting together. Sarah certainly wont be a part of the killing (or field dressing) deer part but she will certainly drink a beer with you Chelsea!

    Oh how I miss Texas.

  • 2. Angela  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:24 am

    If Christmas is anything like Thanksgiving, then I don’t want to see it! Kidding. I’m clearly not meant to live in Texas. I’ll stick to not having the images of where my meat comes from! In grade 3, we went on a field trip to a farm, where they beheaded two chickens in front of us and let the kids pluck them. I was the first kid back on the bus, and had a hard time eating chicken for a long time after that!

  • 3. Taryn M. Peine  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:33 am

    LOVE IT! I’m sad for you that you won’t eat tubed meats Chelsea. The sausage is tremendous! I think something may be wrong with me because the only part of this story that I thought was gross was the dog poop part. I want to feel bad for you, but you said the part about how your dog has never dumped indoors and even after Stanley Steemer leaves, I still think I have you beat on indoor dog turds 😉 I do hope Rookie feels better though. Sick pups are so sad!

  • 4. Pippy  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:53 am

    My husband hunts too, & I will be the first to tell you that there is a huge difference in venison sometimes. I’ve had some that was awesome & some that was awful. I think maybe it has something to to with the age of the deer, buck/doe, etc, but who knows.
    Glad yall had fun!

  • 5. Sister  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Poor carpet cleaning guys! You should have warned them at least a little bit!

  • 6. Alyssa  |  December 3, 2009 at 11:02 am

    I’m totally jealous…my hubs will be totally jealous when I show him your blog tonight. There are five our us hunters and none of us got ANYTHING this year. Of course, we don’t hunt wild boar but we do hunt deer. I like venison, our freezer likes venison, we aren’t picky eaters…at all! It’s good to throw in a chili (I don’t know if that is classified as soup or not) because then you don’t get as much taste. Stephen you rock!!! Just know that a poor lady’s hubsand in Missouri is totally jealous of your awesome hunting skills. How many points was the buck?

  • 7. jill  |  December 3, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I totally laughed out loud at my desk when I got to the part about Stanley Steemer and that it’d be “a nice surprise.” You’re evil Chelsea, but I luv it! LOL

  • 8. Court  |  December 3, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Super sweet husband… nice deer too.

  • 9. Ginger  |  December 3, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    I love venison (seasoning has a lot to do with good flavor too), but I don’t think I could ever kill a deer. I would feel so bad. I think Bambi ruined me for hunting. My boyfriend, on the other hand, will kill any animal that gets in his sight…yep. Couldn’t do it. Nope, deer are too cute. A herd of them roam UHCL campus and I wish they were friendly enough that I could pet them, but they aren’t.

  • 10. Southern Gal  |  December 3, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    We love venison IF it’s processed correctly. Cubed meat, sausage, loin… Can’t stand ground venison. My mama insists you can’t tell the difference in spaghetti, chilli, etc. I beg to differ. Everytime she cooks with it I walk in the house, sniff and say ‘it’s venison.’ She gets so mad!

    Have you ever had it cut up, rolled in yellow mustard, flour (bread it with that) and fried? You haven’t had venison until you’ve had it like that. Had it at a hunting club years ago and it’s still my favorite.

  • 11. HoustonGurly  |  December 3, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Yay! You have venison! You’ll have to try the slow cooker recipe I gave you.

    We got a deer the day after Thanksgiving. Neither my Husband nor myself are hunters, though. Thank goodness for brother-in-laws! 🙂

  • 12. Sarah  |  December 3, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    I am not morally opposed to hunting, but I am so glad my fiancee isn’t a big hunter because that would leave me bored on weekends a lot.

  • 13. Stephany  |  December 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    What a sweet husband! I want one of those!

    Also, I only got to the 3rd picture before I had to shut my eyes real tight and scroll down. Ugh and ew. I really didn’t need to see that.

    Excited about the giveaway! 🙂

  • 14. Jimbo  |  December 3, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    So, your husband can shoot, kill, and clean a large mammal AND your aunt and uncle can do the processing of said mammal?

    If the world as we know it ends, may Sarah and I move in with your family in exchange for farming and me being a kitchen assistant?

    Seriously, I’m very impressed. It doesn’t get any more local than eating something you’ve killed. I love deer sausage!

  • 15. Ashley  |  December 3, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    I’m really loving the last picture!

  • 16. Kelly  |  December 3, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    The guy cleaned up explosive dog poop? Stephen pretty much gets a free pass for the rest of forever!

    My husband has suddenly decided to take up hunting again. “Again” meaning that he did it once 15 years ago. Um, no. I just can’t deal with a deer in my freezer. 🙂

  • 17. Maureen (MIL)  |  December 3, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Well, Stephen is just like his dad in the “clean up disgusting things that come out of your pets” department. The cat was hacking the other day, and I knew what was coming, so John (Stephen’s dad) followed the cat around the house putting paper towels under him, and then it came, the disgusting hair ball. I never had to look at it, John cleaned it all up. He is also the official pooper scooper for the yard, and he cleans out the kitty litter. Gotta love him!

  • 18. Veronica  |  December 3, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    great post! is rookie okay? way to go stephen – on everything! ha, specially the cleaning up the mess so you didn’t have to.

    glad you like venison now. i love it – we have like 10 packages of deer sausage in our freezer right now!

  • 19. Rachel  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Was it like 60? Is that why Lindsey is wearing a scarf? 🙂

  • 20. Rachel  |  December 3, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    And poor, poor Rookie. I feel your pain with the carpet/dog/poop issues as well.

  • 21. Kristin  |  December 3, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Please tell me Christmas doesn’t involve more dead animal pics. Ah ha ha. And that poor little poop. But really poor little you and your poor little carpet!

  • 22. Faith  |  December 4, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Nope, I’m in San Antonio. Went to HS in Houston though. You? What part are you in? Kinda hoping we get no snow, but kinda hoping we do so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. It’s 1 am and I just got back from the Pioneer Woman book signing in Austin – yes, be jealous! My family are big hunters except they haven’t shot anything since we lived in Texas the first time. For Christmas this year my dad wanted us to all go in on a deer lease, I laughed at him. He has ammo and deer feed on his actual wish list though – oh yeah. We’re Texans alright!

  • 23. Lyndsey  |  December 4, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Chelsea, I think this post was some sort of evil plot to make me miss Texas so badly that I come racing home to shoot deer and drink beer with you. (and get a dog?)

    I did love the pictures… and I wasn’ t thinking gross at all. Here are my exact thoughts. “hm… I wonder if I have an recipes for Rabbit.. maybe my dad does. I wonder who shot the other dear… I am so afraid of hogs. Uh oh… Stephen better stand back or he is going to get bloody. Chelsea is so pretty… and I LOVE that jacket she is wearing… I miss Lindsay. Aw… Chelsea and Stephen look so cute!”

  • 24. Emily Jane  |  December 4, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    What a sweet husband! I try and remember not to take mine for granted either – especially when he tells me to go catch up on blogs while he cleans up cat barf 🙂

  • 25. Kyla Roma  |  December 6, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Oh wow, Chelsea, this is definitely not my thing but I’m glad you all are having fun……..kinda………. lol

    I love you though! And I’m glad you guys are in for the whole deal- I totally respect that. I know a lot of hunters here who are in for the killing and then kind of just….well I don’t know what they do, but the certainly don’t turn their deer into venison. I’m glad that you are hunting for a reason & have the follow through down.

    I don’t have to hang & gut the cranberries when I make jelly, but I know it’s a lot of work and it feels good to be done & enjoy your work, so I can relate to that.

    Really, can you imagine hanging and gutting every cranberry? Exhausting. Maybe there is deer mashing/straining machinery that would take some of the work out of this for you….

    lol Okay, maybe not = p

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