How To Make a Migraine
If you’ve ever wondered how to make a migraine, you are in luck. I’ve got the recipe.
- Do not go to sleep before 11:00 for at least 5 days in a row.
- Have a dog explosively crap on your white carpet.
- Intermittently spend money on the following: groceries, large quantities of Christmas and wedding presents, a mortgage, a car note, student loans, carpet cleaning to clean up crap stains, gas, more groceries and hospital bills from that time your husband almost lost his nose.
- Take your clunker to the mechanic and spend an unfortunate amount of money.
- Be reminded that you are no longer in college and don’t get vacation throughout the entire month of December.
- Be at the tail end of your hormonal “time of the month.”
- Have your clunker break down less than 2 weeks after you “fixed” it.
Combine all ingredients in a large vat. Pour in some frustration, cold weather, and dog hair. Whisk briskly with your carpal tunnel inflicted wrist. Add a dash of dirty dishes and a heaping hamper-full of laundry. Blend with unpedicured toes. Be sure to allow some cold showers to drizzle into the batter as it comes together. Dough will form lumps. Place lumps across your shoulders and neck, keep packing them in until you’re feeling stiff and sore. Set time to 3 seconds. When the timer goes off, your migraine should be ready. Enjoy!
Please note that this recipe is for the ugh-my-head-is-pounding-and-I’d-like-to-go-to-sleep-even-though-its-7:00-at-night. If you’re looking for the oh-my-gosh-I’d-rather-die-than- live-with-this-*#!&*in’-migraine-for-one-more-second recipe, make the following changes.
Add: rain, a fight with your husband, criticism at work, house guests with a dirty house, a burnt recipe, and a bad internet connection. For best results, replace the slightly hormonal day with the most hormonal day of the month.
That is a coveted recipe, my friends. You’re welcome.
That’s precisely where I was yesterday evening as I was standing in Walmart on the phone with my mom. I was whining about the fact the my husband was on the other side of Houston because his car wouldn’t start. I was approximately 4.7 miliseconds away from bursting into tears. This may be the only time in my life that I think the massive Walmart crowds have helped me. I was too scared to cry in a crowd. That’s just embarrassing. Especially because I knew I’d have to come here and tell y’all about it.
You know what made me calm down enough to release the tension and let go of some of that migraine?
A good cuddle with this one:
(Rookie wouldn’t pose for a picture. She was bored with me last night.)
And this. In it’s entirety.
(I don’t know why the pictures are green. I don’t want to try to figure it out because that’s exactly the sort of thing that causes migraine flair-ups.)
(Also, I know my kitchen is ugly. You’re more than welcome to come fix it up, without any financial help from me, of course.)
Want to know what else eases my migraine?? Knowing that I get to have lunch with my best friend Lyndsey today! She lives in Kansas City. She’s brought it to my attention that we live 49 states apart, if you’re traveling the long way. It sucks. A lot. But she’s flying in to Houston and I get tp pick her up and take her to lunch. That makes me happy.
Do you want to be friends with Lyndsey? Of course you do! Well lucky for you, she’s just started a blog. (It must be contagious!) She’s still feeling it all out and figuring out what she wants from the blog, so be patient with her if she changes things up on you. I’m excited about it though. Lyndsey is the funniest person I know in real life, so I’m excited to see her learn how to transfer that to a blog.
Click here to visit her little corner of the internet. Say a proper hello to her. I mentioned that she’s traveling today. It would be cool if she was overwhelmed with comments when she checks her blog. Don’t let me down, y’all!
Stay tuned, I’m posting the winner of the GlamourDamaged giveaway later today.bAnd then the next giveaway starts tomorrow morning. Are you excited? You should be!