How To Make a Migraine

December 17, 2009 at 9:39 am 23 comments

If you’ve ever wondered how to make a migraine, you are in luck. I’ve got the recipe.

Homemade Migraine

  • Do not go to sleep before 11:00 for at least 5 days in a row.
  • Have a dog explosively crap on your white carpet.
  • Intermittently spend money on the following: groceries, large quantities of Christmas and wedding presents, a mortgage, a car note, student loans, carpet cleaning to clean up crap stains, gas, more groceries and hospital bills from that time your husband almost lost his nose.
  • Take your clunker to the mechanic and spend an unfortunate amount of money.
  • Be reminded that you are no longer in college and don’t get vacation throughout the entire month of December.
  • Be at the tail end of your hormonal “time of the month.”
  • Have your clunker break down less than 2 weeks after you “fixed” it.

Combine all ingredients in a large vat. Pour in some frustration, cold weather, and dog hair. Whisk briskly with your carpal tunnel inflicted wrist. Add a dash of dirty dishes and a heaping hamper-full of laundry. Blend with unpedicured toes. Be sure to allow some cold showers to drizzle into the batter as it comes together.  Dough will form lumps. Place lumps across your shoulders and neck, keep packing them in until you’re feeling stiff and sore. Set time to 3 seconds. When the timer goes off, your migraine should be ready. Enjoy!

Please note that this recipe is for the ugh-my-head-is-pounding-and-I’d-like-to-go-to-sleep-even-though-its-7:00-at-night. If you’re looking for the oh-my-gosh-I’d-rather-die-than- live-with-this-*#!&*in’-migraine-for-one-more-second recipe, make the following changes.

Add: rain, a fight with your husband, criticism at work, house guests with a dirty house, a burnt recipe, and a bad internet connection. For best results, replace the slightly hormonal day with the most hormonal day of the month.

That is a coveted recipe, my friends. You’re welcome.

That’s precisely where I was yesterday evening as I was standing in Walmart on the phone with my mom. I was whining about the fact the my husband was on the other side of Houston because his car wouldn’t start. I was approximately 4.7 miliseconds away from bursting into tears. This may be the only time in my life that I think the massive Walmart crowds have helped me. I was too scared to cry in a crowd. That’s just embarrassing. Especially because I knew I’d have to come here and tell y’all about it.

You know what made me calm down enough to release the tension and let go of some of that migraine?

A good cuddle with this one:

(Rookie wouldn’t pose for a picture. She was bored with me last night.)

And this. In it’s entirety.

(I don’t know why the pictures are green. I don’t want to try to figure it out because that’s exactly the sort of thing that causes migraine flair-ups.)

(Also, I know my kitchen is ugly. You’re more than welcome to come fix it up, without any financial help from me, of course.)

Want to know what else eases my migraine?? Knowing that I get to have lunch with my best friend Lyndsey today! She lives in Kansas City. She’s brought it to my attention that we live 49 states apart, if you’re traveling the long way. It sucks. A lot. But she’s flying in to Houston and I get tp pick her up and take her to lunch. That makes me happy.

Do you want to be friends with Lyndsey? Of course you do! Well lucky for you, she’s just started a blog. (It must be contagious!) She’s still feeling it all out and figuring out what she wants from the blog, so be patient with her if she changes things up on you. I’m excited about it though. Lyndsey is the funniest person I know in real life, so I’m excited to see her learn how to transfer that to a blog.

Click here to visit her little corner of the internet. Say a proper hello to her. I mentioned that she’s traveling today. It would be cool if she was overwhelmed with comments when she checks her blog. Don’t let me down, y’all!

Stay tuned, I’m posting the winner of the GlamourDamaged giveaway later today.bAnd then the next giveaway starts tomorrow morning. Are you excited? You should be!

Entry filed under: Blogging, Chelsea, Getting Old, Stephen. Tags: , , .

A Spoonful of Sugar GlamourDamaged Winner

23 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amber from Girl with the Red Hair  |  December 17, 2009 at 10:33 am

    LOL, well if it’s any consolation (and I’m sure it’s probably not) I really liked your post today and it made me laugh 🙂

    Feel better soon! Migraines are NOT fun and it seems when one stressful thing happens everything else happens too!

  • 2. Taryn E  |  December 17, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Migraines stink… as do all the things that help bring them around! Hope you’re feeling better!

  • 3. jill  |  December 17, 2009 at 10:40 am

    I hope you feel better Chelsea. I have to admit though, your post did make me laugh. You’re such a good writer. I’d never have thought to write up something like this–mine would have just been a “woe is me, i have a migraine and this is where it hurts, wah wah wah.”

    I hope you feel better so you can enjoy the weekend!

  • 4. Southern Gal  |  December 17, 2009 at 10:50 am

    I pray your head will be better soon. I will be sure to avoid trying out your recipe. Thanks for the warning.

    And your poor dog. Poor you. But the dog…
    Hope that resolves itself soon!

    Thank you for the compliment on my daughter. Since I’m her mom, I think she’s beautiful, too.

    I’ll have to check out Lyndsay’s blog.

  • 5. Aunt Bonnie  |  December 17, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Yep, tis the season for migraines…..can’t seem to go a day without one:(
    Dave’s home for a couple of days so that certainly helps! Hang in there, dear and wonderful niece!

  • 6. Kyla Roma  |  December 17, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Oh no! This sounds so brutal, I’m sorry miss! I’ve been having one of those days too- I’m sick, working, had $3000 damage done to my car that I might be half responsible for even though I wasn’t moving & someone else hit me, and my favourite purse died violently last night.

    I feel your pain ❤

  • 7. Lisa  |  December 17, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Oh my dear Chelsea, you just made me laugh and now I feel better. We are with you. We have same car concerns, kitchen concerns, dog concerns, etc…..It’s just life, but try to lose the migrane part. Love you bunches and thank you for blessing me today.

  • 8. Samantha  |  December 17, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Leave it to you to make a migraine sound so funny. I feel your pain; it’s definitely the season for them.

  • 9. Mom  |  December 17, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    My dearest daughter – I know that there are some days you regret being my daughter and this was one of them. SORRY you had to inherit those from me. I do have to say, though, that you made it a funny thing even though it isn’t ONE BIT FUNNY! And I am sorry about the car stuff. Cars are a blessing and a curse – I pray the expensive of this repair won’t be much!

  • 10. Mom  |  December 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Molly was your “spoonful of sugar”!

  • 11. Sister  |  December 17, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    That’s why I don’t have too many migraines when I’m home…cuz I always get to cuddle with Molly!

  • 12. Jessica  |  December 17, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Yikes, I thought I got bad headaches, but honestly they don’t even compare. I hope you feel better!

  • 13. Angela  |  December 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I was in the exact same spot as you the night before last, just had a different recipe. Then last night, just before bed, I noticed how messy my kitchen was and I was almost back into migraine mode…but I just let it all go. Yup, I just crawled into my bed and went to sleep. I’ll deal with the messy kitchen today.

  • 14. Amy --- Just A Titch  |  December 17, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Ugh. That really is a perfect recipe. Hope today is better.

  • 15. Julie  |  December 17, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Im sorry to hear about your Migraine Recipe! I had thee worst day ever yesterday. By the end of the day, I was cursing at all the bad drivers and plotting a way to destroy the world. Glad to know im not the only one feeling poopy. Curious to see who won the pouch! Hope things start looking up! Something that always makes me feel better is writing a list of everything I feel needs to be fixed and mended and tackle them one step at a time. THEN comfort food and a good nights sleep.

    xo Julie

  • 16. Alma  |  December 17, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Hi, Chelsea! Just got caught up with your blog. By the way, thanks for mentioning Ethnic Loft in a previous entry. As always, you and your blog are consistently adorable. Merry Christmas!

  • 17. Sarah  |  December 17, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Wait. Totino’s makes a triple peperoni? How come I didn’t know this?

  • 18. mediumcrazy  |  December 17, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    This post is kind of genius.

  • 19. Stephany  |  December 17, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    That sounds awful. I don’t get migraines but my mom used to get them quite frequently. They just seemed awful. A regular headache is enough to put me down for a day, I couldn’t imagine a migraine. (I have an extremely low tolerance for pain.)

    Also, I LOVE that you called it “the time of the month.” This is how my mom speaks about periods and always says it in a hushed whisper. Too funny!

  • 20. mandy  |  December 17, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    I hope things are looking up for you!

  • 21. Ashley  |  December 18, 2009 at 1:44 am

    Finally a recipe on a blog that I might actually be able to make and it’s for something no good! Take care of yourself!

  • 22. chocolate and whine  |  December 18, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    I hate migraines so this is certainly not a recipe I’ll be trying any time soon, thank you very much. But maybe the pizza. Pizza sounds good.

  • 23. Sarah  |  December 22, 2009 at 3:10 am

    😦 I’m so sorry!

    Oh and the pictures are green because they were taken without flash underneath fluorescent light bulbs.

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December 2009


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