Handling a Pregnant Wife

January 28, 2010 at 8:15 am 22 comments

Good day everyone.  My name is John and I’m filling in today for Chelsea.  She’s out grabbing some lunch and doing her nails while skydiving.  She told me they dry faster that way.  I write a blog called Fatherhoody.

I wanted to get the word out to all you ladies and to any husbands that might be reading though, there are certain things you must do to handle a pregnant wife.  My wife and I found out we were pregnant way back in 2009.  That’s like… a year ago (2010-2009 = 1).  That also means we’re getting closer and closer each day to her popping out a small human.  (The human will grow to be a larger human and eventually go on to play right field for the St. Louis Cardinals, make millions of dollars, and place me into a very nice retirement home.)  Anyway, as we approach A-Day (arrival day) a husband must care for his pregnant wife in a very different way than one would care for a non-pregnant wife.

You see, the Pregnant Wife (Wifius Pregnasius), is a creature like no other.  She can be emotional.  She will always be tired (and will always use the word exhausted to describe her current state).  She will also always be uncomfortable.  She’ll be uncomfortable standing, sitting, sleeping, driving, walking, running, jogging, especially jump roping and always when mountain climbing.  Therefore, as the helper of Wifius Pregnasius the Husband of Pregnant Wife (Husbandian Wifius Pregnasius) must use the following advice to keep things happy in the household.

  1. Act Excited About Everything. A request to do the dishes for her on a night should be met with the following: “You want me to do the dishes?  I’D LOVE TO DO THE DISHES!”  During statements such as these keep your voice pitch an octave higher than usual to show extra excitement.  Also, be extra excited about doing anything outside the home.  It is very difficult for Wifius Pregnasius to get the energy to leave the nest, so if the opportunity arises make sure you act like she just asked you to be her date to every single game of the 2010 St. Louis Cardinals season and you get to sit right behind home plate and wave to it throughout the whole game while on your cell phone.  “WHAT??  You want to go to Target to look at maternity tops??  Oh my GOSH!!! I was just thinking how I’d love to go to Target and do some shopping!  I’m so glad you thought of it too!” If Husband does not act excited, there could be tears involved.
  2. Strength Training.  As Wifius Pregnasius enters into the third trimester, the Husband must be prepared to help her with every larger scale movement.  This means any movement that is more than one step forward.  Getting up from the chair?  A Husband must have an arm extended.  Getting up from the floor? Husband must have arm at the ready.  In the middle of the night and she needs to turn over?  Husband must have arm raised throughout night for her to grab onto.  (If arm is not raised, she will punch you in the face.  It’s happened to me.)
  3. Help Out a Little More.  Wifius Pregnasius is growing a human.  Husbandian Wifius Pregnasius had no pain in making said human (in fact, he had a pretty good time creating said human).  Therefore, it’s the least Husband can do to take on a couple more chores than usual and maybe even make the bed… even if it is his most hated chore in the world.
  4. Entertain.  Wifius Pregnasius will encounter incredible mood swings.  These will mostly occur when she is “exhausted” and it will usually end with her being quite depressed for no reason.  There is very little Husband can do to prevent this sadness.  (“Hi honey!  I just brought home a million dollars!”  will lead to “That makes me so sad…” which will lead to “Why are you sad?” which will lead to “I don’t know!!!!” and a tear.)  Therefore, it is up to Husband to find someway, anyway, to make Wife happy.  It’s a difficult task, but for my wife, there’s one thing that can put a smile on her face.  Me dancing.  (Now, before you hit play, I should have you know that this was a very big debate in the house about whether this was for the “internet” or just for the “family”.  I sided on the side of “internet”.  Wife sided on the side of “family” fearing she will be forever embarrassed by sharing my incredible talent with the world.  I’m not quite sure one would be embarrassed when they are met with award winning style points.)

John Dancing for Pregnant Wife

And people… I want you to realize that that was pure talent without any music or a beat.  Eat your heart out dancing reality show peoples.

So there you have it folks.  Four suggestions to help both Husband and Wife make it through nine incredible months of amazing joy, amazing trials, and an absolutely amazing journey.  God bless.

See you at the hood… Fatherhoody that is. (That was a dumb way to sign off… sorry.)

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Entry filed under: Blogging, Family, Marriage. Tags: , .

Loser 9:04: A Great Episode Without Any Good Quotes Seven Quick Takes – I’ve Lost Count So You’ll Get More Random Titles Now

22 Comments Add your own

  • 1. This Heavenly Life  |  January 28, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I loved EVERY MINUTE OF THIS. John, you are a genius and I’m making sure my husband reads this asap. Not because we’re pregnant, but because we’ve been there. Sadly, he never danced for me like that! Not in all my accumulated 18 months of pregnancy have I ever been danced for quite like that.

    My favorite part though? The extended arm for rolling over in bed. Just remember husbands: It’s better to keep that arm up than wake up to sobbing grunts as we realize we’re stranded with no savior awake enough to heave our whale-selves over.

  • 2. Southern Gal  |  January 28, 2010 at 9:20 am

    OK. Was this a hint? I thought you were making an announcement!

  • 3. DebbieQ  |  January 28, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Now that was hilarious. I am sure that HHBL would have liked to have all this information when we were in the “preggers” period in our lives. Somehow he just missed getting the manual and had to wing it.

  • 4. Faith  |  January 28, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Fantastic post! I laughed all the way through it!

  • 5. Clare  |  January 28, 2010 at 9:59 am

    This post is AMAZING! As is your dancing, you remind me of the extremely talented “dancing hip hop elves” on that elf-yourself thing that everyone goes gaga (ooh lala) for around Christmas.

    I do have one question about item #1. Is there a danger that Wifius Pregnasius might take the over excited attitude to be sarcasm and then cry anyway?

    I am single and so nowhere near this stage yet but in the future if I am ever (I hope I will be one day) a Wifius Pregnasius myself I will find this post and show it to my husband. And there will be dancing!

  • 6. Debbie  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:13 am

    superb! even though it’s been a year since I was pregnant with my son, im sure my husband can very easily go back and remember all of that fun stuff! i literally LOL’d at the “honey, i just brought home 1 million dollars!!!” “oh, that makes me so sad…” haha. genious.

    glad the video was deemed “internet” worthy. uh-mazing.

  • 7. Molly  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:38 am

    I, of course, think these suggestions are brilliant. Perhaps that’s because I’m on the receiving end of them. Maybe you should have also written about having to be prepared for the screams in the middle of the night, “JOHN! I HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE!” and your necessary quick response to massage the pain away. You’re a great husband, Mr. Campbell. Although I’m still in the “that video should never be seen by anyone except me” camp.

  • 8. mom (Nana)  |  January 28, 2010 at 11:30 am

    nice post – quite true too! My hubby didn’t have the manual though – 3 pregnancies – and believe it or not, he did GREAT! Yea for all you sensitive, helpful “Husbandian Wifiuis Pregnasius”

  • 9. Stephany  |  January 28, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Hm…interesting, a post about pregnancy. Will we be receiving an announcement anytime soon?!?! 😉

    Loved, loved, loved the blog, though. Too funny!

  • 10. Taryn M. Peine  |  January 28, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Ummm.AMAZING. I love the dancing!!

  • 11. ThatMarriedCouple  |  January 28, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Hilarious! I can’t wait!

  • 12. Meghan  |  January 28, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Awesome John! So glad I got to see the dancing too!

  • 13. Autumn  |  January 28, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Great guest post, but are you trying to tell us something???

  • 14. Kara  |  January 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Freakin’ love the dance. LOVE IT!

    I fear the day I become a hormonal, needy, pregnant lady. I’ve already started apologizing to the boyfriend. It scares him. It should!

  • 15. Pippy  |  January 28, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    loved.it! too funny!

  • 16. abby  |  January 28, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    HAHA! That dance reminded me of when Kevin James danced in the movie Hitch…

  • 17. johncampbell  |  January 28, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    People People… I can assure you Chelsea gave me no directives of what to write. I write what is in my heart and I do not let others interfere with my creative process. (Okay, that’s not true, if someone told me they’d pay me money to write about a subject, I totally would. However, Chelsea did not pay me and there are no hidden messages in the post.)

    I’m an expecting father… I really have nothing else to talk about except the human being my wife is cultivating in her belly.

    John from Fatherhoody

  • 18. jenferlouise  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Love this! My boyfriend would say the same thing … and I’m not even pregnant. Sigh.

  • 19. Ricky  |  September 21, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I want to throw in there the push present! I almost forgot it going to the hospital with my wife but luckily remembered it last minute. Juno Lucina just launched a whole line of beautiful push gifts for new mothers (www.jlucina.com). That is what the perfect push gift looks like.

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