Loser 9.11: The one where people start making up words & stuff.

Hey y’all, Lauren here. You might know me from my blog, Lauren From Texas. Chelsea asked me to fill in for her tonight because she had technical difficulties with her DVR. I was more than happy to rise to the challenge, since I’ve always dreamed of writing a Biggest Loser post here at R&R!

I’m typing this as I’m watching, so this may will be a little scrambled.

Alison is live from the Ranch! And looking HOT in a black dress & tights. Some dude was inspired by BL so he lost a lot of weight at home. I guess we’ll see him later?

Dramatic montage of past players being voted off. In black & white for extra drama.

The 9 remaining players enter the gym where Ali is waiting with something under a blanket. What’s under the blanket? Their original team color shirts! Now they’re going to “singles,” which means no more teams.

Open the doors! All the eliminated contestants! With angry looks on their faces. Apparently they have a chance to get back in the game? Everyone is talking smack.

So… popularity vote? One of the eliminated players gets a chance to be voted back onto the show by the remaining players.

“I don’t know any of these people. We have not talked. We have not conversated.” -girl from blue team. Pray tell, what is “conversated?”

Now they weight in.

Daryl has lost 104 lbs. total. Amazing!
Sherry has lost 62 lbs. & looks great.
Miggy has lost 49 lbs. & still looks surly.
Victoria (Miss Conversated) has lost SEVENTY-THREE POUNDS. You go girl!
Melissa has lost 51 lbs & is still a WITCH. “No one is looking toward the quarter of a million dollars. Everyone wants to be friends. Now is not the time for friends.” Um, alright EVIL INCARNATE.
Lance lost 91 lbs. & is still married to Melissa, so in my mind, evil by association.
Cheryl has lost 51 & is cute as a button! I love her.
John has lost 85 lbs. Nice guy & still has a long way to go at 399 lbs.
Patty  has lost 46 lbs. I love when moms say “I’m doing this for me.” So important!
Maria has lost 57 lbs. & Michael seems excited about that.
James has lost 72 lbs. & has a very long way to go at 413 lbs. Wish both the brothers could come back on, they really need it.
Cherita has lost 47 lbs. & seems like the sweetest woman.

Weird montage where the current players are talking over each other. Black team girl: “Kind of feels like we’re playing God.” Um, last time I checked, God was in charge of more important things than Biggest Loser contestants. But OK.

It’s tied up between Victoria & John with one vote remaining. The vote belongs to Mike. Victoria wins! And Mike was kind of sweet about it. And oh my gosh I’m tearing up. BIGGEST LOSER WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO TUG AT MY HEARTSTRINGS. Victoria’s mom is hyperventilating & it’s all very touching. I agree with Mike’s decision. John already had his chance. Victoria deserves hers.

What the heck, Ali? Now she’s saying there’s another way back into the game. The winner of a challenge yet unknown will be back in the competition. Melissa: “It’s my destiny.” Let’s not be dramatic, Missy. Miggy firmly says she’s going to win. I’d advise the other players to watch out for knives.

They all go outside & Ali is wearing a hat that would look really really cute on a 5-year-old. All the competitors are standing in front of a step. Apparently whoever gets to 1000 steps first is back in the game.

James has knee problems so he’s out right away. Melissa & Miggy are neck & neck. Play back to how truly awful Melissa is & how embittered Miggy & Migdalia are when they’re together. I sure don’t miss that. Sherry is cute as can be. Her shoe is untied? KICK IT OFF! Oh, let’s just kick the other one off so we’re balanced! So now she’s doing it barefoot. She’s spunky too: “I want to beat Melissa!” I’ll drink to that!

Commentary from my husband (regarding Lance): “How is he not beating his wife?! Dude, YOUR WIFE IS BEATING YOU.” (By the way, he meant beating like winning, just to clarify.)

Melissa: “I have to pay attention to what Miggy is doing. I have to pay attention to what Sherry is doing.” Or you could just, you know, focus on YOURSELF. Whatever.

Miggy takes a breather somewhere & Melissa takes that chance to get ahead of Miggy. CRAP. Melissa won.

My husband: “Dude, your wife just smoked you. Again. On national television.”

Lance: “Words can’t describe how proud I am of her. I love her to death.” Well, I guess there really is a person for everyone.

Michael & Maria have a weird relationship. Dude, you’re 30. Time to cut the apron strings, Mama’s Boy.

Melissa & Victoria have immunity. DOUBLE CRAP. I have to see Melissa for at least 2 more weeks? Hold me.

OK, all players (minus the 2 that just got back on) are now in the gym. Bob & Jillian walk in. Considering Jillian just beat the crap out of me on Level 3 of the Shred, I’d rather not see her right now. I guess she doesn’t care though. They start talking to the players, then…

Melissa walks back in. Wait, Jillian, why are you clapping?! Y’all hate each other! Victoria walks in, “I’m HEEERRRREEE!” So cute.

Jillian: “It felt like suddenly, the world was right again.” Oh Jill, you never cease with the dramatics, do you?

And the working out begins. I don’t know why Jill wears jeans to the gym.

Jillian immediately starts picking on Victoria. She says, “I’m happy to be here, but this is going to be work.” Oh honey, what did you think this was, a day at the spa?

I kind of love Koli. “I don’t want [Melissa] here.” Then Sam starts being all tough-guy. Although him & Koli are cute together, all punching each other but you know they’re gonna cry & hug later.

Victoria is cooking & Bob comes in the kitchen. I smell a commercial coming. Oh! Ziplock bags! Double protection!? A modern phenomenon!

Alright, now everyone is being all talky-behind-backy. Koli & Ashley are conspiring that Stephanie is not to be trusted. Koli says: “At the end of the day, it’s about you.” Great point. Now quit your whispering and go burn some calories. This isn’t summer camp. But then Koli says “I don’t trust Stephanie.” Wait – isn’t Stephanie dating Sam? Not trusting her might present problems later in life. But we’ll cross that awkward bridge when we get to it.

Now we’re back to Ali LIVE FROM THE RANCH. The dude in question was 674 lbs. And we’re going to see him? When?

OK, they’re back in the gym. Jill is picking on Victoria again. I think when you hit your head on the treadmill, you should get to stop for a second. Did Bob just call O’Neal “Uncle”? Then Jillian makes Stephanie cry & she walks out. So they go outside and talk. And it seems like Stephanie is just whining. Just a little bit. Not that I would know about whining when Jillian is pushing me to my limits. Jillian: “The more you try to control something, the more it’s going to be out of your control.” That’s kind of good advice, I think.

Apparently there’s some sort of drama with Ashley & Stephanie? Ohhhhh Ashley thinks Stephanie threw her weigh-in to send her (Ashley’s) mom home? What?! These women & their drama. “I would never. I would never. What we have is real.” OH BRRROOOOOOO. Now Stephanie is going around asking who started the drama. JUST STOP IT. This is not high school. Focus on what you came for and quit being catty. My theory is that Ashley & black team girl (still can’t remember her name) are jealous of Stephanie because she’s dating Sam, who by BL standards is hot stuff. So basically, Stephanie is the prom queen of BL & everyone is jealous of her. WHO THE HECK KNOWS.

I don’t even know what my word count must be at this point.

Time for the weigh in and I am IN LOVE with Ali’s gray ruffled dress, hoop earrings, & low ponytail. GIMME.

Weight loss is as follows:

Victoria: -2 (She has immunity so it doesn’t matter, but still. Should’ve been a little higher in my opinion.)
Melissa: -4 (I’ve mentioned I don’t like her, right?)
O’Neal: -4 (He walked up the stairs without hobbling & that was a big deal. Good for him.)
Ashley: -5 (Good job! I am starting to see a huge difference. But enough with the “conspiracy theory” already.)
Michael: -8 (Did I just see a fist pump? It’s nice to see him dropping pounds though.)
Koli: -6 (Not bad. He says he wants bigger numbers. I definitely think he’s capable.)
Andrea (THAT’S her name!): -5 (You can really see a change with her from the beginning. She’s not my favorite, but good for her.)
Daris: -7 (I really like Daris. 109 lbs. total & leading the house percentage-wise! Yeah boy!)
Sam: -2 (He’s a good motivator for everyone. “That number does not determine me. I work hard.” He looks great. I just hope he’s not going home.)
Sunshine: -6 (Yeah! She is looking so good! What a sweetheart. Bob: “Sunshine is a soldier.”)
Uh-oh, Sam is below the yellow line.
Stephanie: -1 (And now she is giving a speech. These people need more things to do than talk about how people are throwing weigh-ins. Except Melissa. Melissa does throw weigh-ins. But I digress.)

So Sam & Stephanie are below the yellow line together! What an awkward place to be when you’re dating. It’s sure no dinner & a movie.

Wow, Koli really doesn’t like Stephanie! That’s so crazy to me. He’s convinced she plays games. She doesn’t seem like that to me at all, but I’ve been fooled before.

Koli voted for Stephanie (surprise). Melissa voted for Sam. Sunshine voted for Stephanie. Drea voted for Stephanie. Daris voted for Stephanie. Ashley voted for Stephanie.

So Stephanie is gone. Now she’s shopping at White House Black Market & is a size 12. She looks GREAT! “I fell in love.” Oooooohhhhhhh. With WHOOOO STEPHANIEEEEE? (Hello I’m in Jr. High.)

And now Ali is LIVE AGAIN (although I’m watching it about an hour behind). WOW. This dude weighed 674 & he looks significantly thinner!

Ali: “What inspired you?”
Wayne: “When Bob & Jillian said ‘You don’t need a gym to work out. Walking is free.'”

So true. Great point.

OH MY GOSH HE LOST 418 POUNDS. In 2 years!!!! At home!!!! Amazing!!!!! Truly proof that anyone can do this.

Well, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Thanks for having me!