Why We Aren’t The Hearsts

When Stephen and I first started dating I had a conversation with my mom. She asked a million questions to learn more about this new boy in my life. What’s his name? Stephen. What’s his last name? Hurst. Where do his parents live? California. HOLD THE PHONE. He is a Hearst and his family lives in California? Is he one of THE Hearsts?? Ha. No. Not so much.

My Stephen wasn’t part of the Hearst empire. I explained that his parents lived in California for a couple years for his dad’s job but had all intentions to come back to Houston. And there was really no chance they were distant relatives because the spelling is different.

As Stephen and I dated and then eventually got married, I saw more and more that we are not like the Hearst family. We are simple, frugal, clip coupons, and drink discount booze. We often have Totino’s for dinner and wait 6 months between haircuts because it kills me to shell out that much money for a trim. We are just not that classy.

We weren’t planning on going out to a nice dinner last night for our anniversary. We’d eaten out enough over the weekend that we felt like it would be okay to skip the actual anniversary night. Plus, we had run out of Stephen’s winnings from the dog track. So it looked like we’d just be eating some breaded chicken and glazed carrots in front of the television. Not that there is anything wrong with that, Stephen and I love our dinners in front of the television… especially when it’s Wheel of Fortune or Wipe Out!

But my mom informed me that she’d purchased a Groupon to a nice restaurant close by and if we wanted to, we could use it. Yes please! So we got home from work and I changed into a cotton dress (I didn’t think that capris and Stephen’s t-shirt were appropriate) and headed over there. For those of you in Houston, the restaurant is Bailey’s American Grille (<– link, check it out). The restaurant is beautiful, the menu is mouth-watering.

We were seated and given the menu and drink menu. Our waiter came over to take our drink orders. I presented him with our Groupon print out which is a basically a big sign that says “We Are Too Cheap To Come Here Regularly, But We’re All About The Discount Food.” I’m sure waiters just love to see that. He asked what we’d like to drink and we just said water. If it weren’t for the fact that I actually knew the waiter from childhood, I’m sure he’d be cursing the restaurant gods for placing us in his section instead of the next batch of wealthy patrons.

The food was fantastic. We started off with an appetizer of fried green tomatoes. They were laying on this awesome lemon butter sauce and topped with goat cheese. They were supposed to be topped with crab meat as well but since I really am hoping to have a 4th and even 50th anniversary, we asked them to keep the shellfish away from Stephen. They were delicious. Melted goat cheese on fried tomatoes? My friend, nothing even sounds better than that! 

For dinner we each ordered a steak. If you recall, I’m of the mindset that you should never order a steak more cooked than medium. It’s just not right. But when you’re pregnant, they say you are supposed to have “fully cooked meat.” So I braced myself for the embarrassment of ordering a filet medium well. Thankfully I was leaning back when our waiter came back and he must’ve seen a glimpse of my enormous belly. “What would you like for dinner?” I’d like the filet, (adjust self in seat and scrunch face to hide embarrassment) medium well. “Umm. Are you..?” And he makes this awkward curved shape with his hand. Pregnant? Yes. Very. That’s why I’m ordering my steak that way. “Oh! Well congratulations.” I felt better that he knew that I wasn’t intentionally trying to ruin a perfect steak. Stephen ordered the prime rib which came to our table still mooing.

It was fantastic. Mine came with garlic mashed potatoes that, I swear, were shipped here from the Holy Throne of God. (Which really makes me excited to go to Heaven. Can you even imagine all the good food they’ve got up there?!) Stephen’s came with a potato gratin that made him moan on multiple bites. “This cheese, Chelsea! This cheese!”

We split the Baked Alaska for dessert. We were underwhelmed but I think that’s because we didn’t know what we were ordering. Overall, dinner was fantastic. My belly was full all the way up to my boobs. Know that feeling, preggos? On the way home, Stephen asked if we could rent a movie. It was already a little after 8 and I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of staying up that late. “But it’s a week night!” He was silent for a few seconds and then asked, “Can we please rent a movie and watch it while I rub your feet.” SURE!

So that’s what we did. We watched It’s Complicated while Stephen drank wine and rubbed my feet and while I drank water and paused the movie for multiple potty breaks. It was a great night. We managed to pull off “classy” that evening. We didn’t spill our food on our clothes, Stephen put his pinky out while he was drinking his Guinness from his frosted mug, we said our please and thank yous. I think we could have fooled anyone. We totally could have said we were The Hearsts and they would never have been the wiser.

Until we got into bed, turned out the light, and I let out a belch.