Archive for August 4, 2010

Let’s Just Be Real

Dear Pregnancy,

We need to chat.

You look like so much fun from afar. All my life I’ve seen you in the presence of all of these cute women. They glow, they smile, they rub their bellies with pride. We watch them slowly grow over the better portion of a year and then suddenly, you’re gone. Nowhere to be found, leaving behind a teeny tiny human being.

I think you have partnered with Mother Nature and God to make every woman think you are a necessary part of their life. At some point in just about every woman’s journey, they feel the need to welcome you into their lives. Sometimes you come quickly, sometimes you take your precious time. (Which, by the way, I think it’s cruel. You should think about that.)

But you joined me. Stephen and I decided that we were ready for you to join us and, of course, you came when you saw fit… almost a year after we issued your original invitation.

Let me just say this, Pregnancy. Your stay hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. You haven’t been one of those guests that just goes with the flow and makes her bed every morning. No. Not at all. You’re more like the type of guest that clogs your shower with her hair and leaves her dirty socks on your living room floor.

You brought several things with you in your overnight bag. Let’s discuss those. I’d like to try to understand where you’re coming from since I know you’ll be back for another “vacation” once or twice in my future.

What’s up with the Energy Vacuum you have in your room? You pull it out at extremely inopportune times. Like last night. I got home, you plugged that stupid vacuum in and sucked every speck of energy I had. I had to sit down after unloading the groceries. I started to get dinner going and had to sit down again. I unloaded the dishwasher and had to take a break. ALL NIGHT that stupid energy vacuum ran. I think it’s really mean, especially since you also bring along a Nesting Instinct. How am I supposed to sort bibs and binkies if I am too tired to walk into the other room? How do I hang Jansen’s clothes if bending down and then raising my arms causes me to pant?

Speaking of panting. What is all this about? I can’t lay down without feeling like all of my insides are about to come up my throat. I know, I know. I shouldn’t be laying on my back anyways. But sometimes I want to lay on the couch, and sometimes I want cuddle with Stephen horizontally. But it seems that 5 seconds later, my heart rate is up and my breathing is hurried. Incase you were wondering, it’s not fun.

Listen, while I truly appreciate that you now allow me to have a movement on a regular basis, I don’t appreciate the unwelcome gas. I’m a lady. A lady that used to be skinny and feminine but is now 35 pounds heavier out front. I need all the help I can get. What is not sexy? Involuntary farting. When I stand, sit, step, bend. Sometimes when I’m just watching television. Thankfully this no longer phases my husband (wait, is that a good thing?), but I don’t think everyone else is as sympathetic.

My biggest beef with you is the pain. It’s constant. It’s so common that I don’t always even notice it… I’ll just realize I’m wincing and have my hand on my side. The back pain, the butt muscle pain, the leg pain, the side pain when he kicks. I’ve heard that the crappy sleep is preparation for when the baby comes, the hunger is to make sure the baby gets enough nutrients, the fatigue is to make sure I slow down and don’t push myself too far. But what’s the pain for? HUH????

Don’t get me wrong, Pregnancy, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you decided that you’d like to stay with me for 9 months and change my life. I’m glad, really I am. But I just don’t understand your choices. Next time you should only bring along about 40 pounds… maybe not the 50 we’re probably going to end up with this time. You should pack broccoli, not cinnamon rolls. You should be quiet and still and let me sleep. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

It is only now that I realize what God meant when he punished Adam and Eve. Genesis 3:16 “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children.'” Ah ha! He wasn’t just talking about the act of birth! Which, yes, is painful… but it’s over in less than a day. Anyone can put up with pain for that short of a stint, especially when they know they are SO CLOSE to meeting their child. He was talking about YOU, Pregnancy. “In pain you will bring forth children.” It’s clear now.

So I suppose you don’t have much choice in the matter. It’s your job to make my feet hurt and my throat burn. And since your boss is THE BOSS, you have to obey. Okay I can accept that, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. And it doesn’t mean we have to be BFF. I’ll still welcome you back in the future and I’ll still tell all of my friends how great you are. But between you and me, I think you’re a pain in the tooshie!

With All My Love,

Chelsea

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August 4, 2010 at 9:00 am 13 comments


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