Like It Is (Part 1)
(I chose not to blog about Biggest Loser this season. It just seems unreasonable for me to try to take it on. But incase you want to know my thoughts and feelings on last night… I thought it was the worst first episode ever. I think it’s cruel to give people the hope that they are chosen and then rip it away. I wish it had been a real episode. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.)
Many people have told me that they love my Pregnant Pause posts because I’m honest and tell it like it is. I see no point in hiding the fact that pregnancy causes stretch marks and constipation and sore feet. I think you should all know what you’re getting yourself into when you decide to expand your family. Yes, babies are cute and they are a blessing… but your thighs are going to blow up. And your butt? It gets it’s own zip code. And did you know that there is a stage in your pregnancy when you can no longer fit into your maternity clothes?? Yeah, that’s a fun time.
But I’m past that stage. Now it’s newborn time. So I thought I’d share some honest info with you about childbirth and these beginning stages of motherhood. If you are a male, feel free to leave. Also, I’ve been compiling this list for about a week and it got to be pretty long, so I’m going to post this in two parts.
1. Movies lie.
2. Not all contractions are brutal and not everyone’s water breaks on it’s own. It is totally possible that you could be having “good” contractions and you have no clue. (Yeah… More on that when I post the birth story.)
3. All nurses have the right to see and touch your lady parts. Be prepared for any nurse on duty to come “check” you… And on that note: Not all pelvic exams are created equal. Some are just awkward but some hurt like hell. Apparently there is a skill to it.
4. This is also true once the baby has made his arrival. Several times a day a nurse will come mush your belly and look in your panties. They act like this is a normal activity, it’s best if you act that way too.
5. A nurse even had me roll over so she could check to see if I had hemorrhoids. Thankfully she found nothing during her search. Her name was Pam, I will never forget.
6. Labor is pretty anti-climatic when you’ve got the drugs. It’s a waiting game. Once they break your water, they try not to check you unless it’s necessary because with every check comes the possibility of introducing bacteria to your Ladyness. So you just lay there and watch crappy shows on their crappy television that only goes channel up and only produces sound from a small remote attached to your bed.
7. When they say “Tell me if you feel like you need to have a bowel movement” what they DON’T mean is “Please don’t poop on the table.” What they DO mean is “When your baby is descending, you’re the only one that will know. So pay attention and let us know immediately. No pressure.”
8. Once you have the epidural, you lose all ability to hold in a fart. In fact, you will have no idea that you need to fart until you let out a “pfffft.” The first few times are shockingly, hilarious, and embarrassing. Eventually, you get used to it. Be sure your family is aware that you have no control over this. Your nurse won’t care.
9. The epidural sucks. SUCKS. Be prepared to repeat the prayer “Please relax me. Get me through this.” Over and over while tucked into your nurse’s chest. I hated it and I’m already dreading it for my next baby. However, I’m confident that it sucks less than the feeling of a human being coming out of my vagina. So I’ll take it! (More thoughts on epidurals during my birth story.)
10. When your nurse says that it’s baby time and you’re going to do some “practice pushing,” be aware that there is nothing “practice” about it. It’s real pushing, just without the doctor there.
11. I guess I probably should have realized this based on knowledge of what an epidural is, but you have to have a catheter. It sucks at first but it’s nice to not have to get up to pee every 15 minutes.
12. Another thing I should have known? When you have an epidural, you only push during contractions. Did y’all know this?? Okay so here’s the run down: You have time for three pushes during each contraction, then you have to wait. So…. breathe, breathe, push, breathe, push, breathe, push. Wait for 3 minutes. Repeat. What do you do during those 3 minutes? Nothing. Nothing at all. You twiddle your thumbs and try not to think about the fact that you are completely exposed under bright lights with 5 strangers and your husband in the room.
13. Breastfeeding sucks as much as people says it does. It’s also as wonderful as people say it is. I love that it’s MY time with Jansen… but it also hurts like hell.
14. When your milk comes in, your boobs turn into bowling balls. This is no exaggeration. They get about 4 times larger than normal and are hard as rocks. This is about the time you curse yourself for deciding to breastfeed. If I had been on the fence, I would have quit. It was frustrating. As my angel of a nurse said, “Well he is trying to latch on to a basketball, it’s almost impossible.” This stage only lasts about a day, if you can get through it, you can get through anything. (Note: This is a good time to learn to work your pump. It’ll save your life, your sanity, and your surroundings from an exploded boob.)
15. Also learned during this day before my wonderful nurse was on duty: Not all nurses are helpful.
Consider yourself educated… or at least halfway educated. The rest will come tomorrow.