Like It Is (Part 1)

September 22, 2010 at 7:29 am 25 comments

(I chose not to blog about Biggest Loser this season. It just seems unreasonable for me to try to take it on. But incase you want to know my thoughts and feelings on last night… I thought it was the worst first episode ever. I think it’s cruel to give people the hope that they are chosen and then rip it away. I wish it had been a real episode. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.)

Many people have told me that they love my Pregnant Pause posts because I’m honest and tell it like it is. I see no point in hiding the fact that pregnancy causes stretch marks and constipation and sore feet. I think you should all know what you’re getting yourself into when you decide to expand your family. Yes, babies are cute and they are a blessing… but your thighs are going to blow up. And your butt? It gets it’s own zip code. And did you know that there is a stage in your pregnancy when you can no longer fit into your maternity clothes?? Yeah, that’s a fun time.

But I’m past that stage. Now it’s newborn time. So I thought I’d share some honest info with you about childbirth and these beginning stages of motherhood. If you are a male, feel free to leave. Also, I’ve been compiling this list for about a week and it got to be pretty long, so I’m going to post this in two parts.

1. Movies lie.

2. Not all contractions are brutal and not everyone’s water breaks on it’s own. It is totally possible that you could be having “good” contractions and you have no clue. (Yeah… More on that when I post the birth story.)

3. All nurses have the right to see and touch your lady parts. Be prepared for any nurse on duty to come “check” you… And on that note: Not all pelvic exams are created equal. Some are just awkward but some hurt like hell. Apparently there is a skill to it.

4. This is also true once the baby has made his arrival. Several times a day a nurse will come mush your belly and look in your panties. They act like this is a normal activity, it’s best if you act that way too.

5. A nurse even had me roll over so she could check to see if I had hemorrhoids. Thankfully she found nothing during her search. Her name was Pam, I will never forget.

6. Labor is pretty anti-climatic when you’ve got the drugs. It’s a waiting game. Once they break your water, they try not to check you unless it’s necessary because with every check comes the possibility of introducing bacteria to your Ladyness. So you just lay there and watch crappy shows on their crappy television that only goes channel up and only produces sound from a small remote attached to your bed.

7. When they say “Tell me if you feel like you need to have a bowel movement” what they DON’T mean is “Please don’t poop on the table.” What they DO mean is “When your baby is descending, you’re the only one that will know. So pay attention and let us know immediately. No pressure.”

8. Once you have the epidural, you lose all ability to hold in a fart. In fact, you will have no idea that you need to fart until you let out a “pfffft.” The first few times are shockingly, hilarious, and embarrassing. Eventually, you get used to it. Be sure your family is aware that you have no control over this. Your nurse won’t care.

9. The epidural sucks. SUCKS. Be prepared to repeat the prayer “Please relax me. Get me through this.” Over and over while tucked into your nurse’s chest. I hated it and I’m already dreading it for my next baby. However, I’m confident that it sucks less than the feeling of a human being coming out of my vagina. So I’ll take it! (More thoughts on epidurals during my birth story.)

10. When your nurse says that it’s baby time and you’re going to do some “practice pushing,” be aware that there is nothing “practice” about it. It’s real pushing, just without the doctor there.

11. I guess I probably should have realized this based on knowledge of what an epidural is, but you have to have a catheter. It sucks at first but it’s nice to not have to get up to pee every 15 minutes.

12. Another thing I should have known? When you have an epidural, you only push during contractions. Did y’all know this?? Okay so here’s the run down: You have time for three pushes during each contraction, then you have to wait. So…. breathe, breathe, push, breathe, push, breathe, push. Wait for 3 minutes. Repeat. What do you do during those 3 minutes? Nothing. Nothing at all. You twiddle your thumbs and try not to think about the fact that you are completely exposed under bright lights with 5 strangers and your husband in the room.

13. Breastfeeding sucks as much as people says it does. It’s also as wonderful as people say it is. I love that it’s MY time with Jansen… but it also hurts like hell.

14. When your milk comes in, your boobs turn into bowling balls. This is no exaggeration. They get about 4 times larger than normal and are hard as rocks. This is about the time you curse yourself for deciding to breastfeed. If I had been on the fence, I would have quit. It was frustrating. As my angel of a nurse said, “Well he is trying to latch on to a basketball, it’s almost impossible.” This stage only lasts about a day, if you can get through it, you can get through anything. (Note: This is a good time to learn to work your pump. It’ll save your life, your sanity, and your surroundings from an exploded boob.)

15. Also learned during this day before my wonderful nurse was on duty: Not all nurses are helpful.

Consider yourself educated… or at least halfway educated. The rest will come tomorrow.

Entry filed under: Family, Jansen, Pregnancy. Tags: , , .

Ten on Tuesday (47) Like It Is (Part 2)

25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Karen  |  September 22, 2010 at 7:51 am

    LOL #5
    This is funny, and I think I’ll remain on my quest to not ever experiencing it, I’ll live through those who do.

  • 2. Ashley  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:17 am

    Thanks! I love your honesty. I consider myself warned!!!

    Oh and biggest loser, SO RUDE. They ALL had such sad stories. I hated the way that they handled that.

  • 3. Megan S.  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:29 am

    1. I’m so sad you won’t be blogging about biggest loser! but totally understand! i was getting bored toward the end and was glad to fast forward through some parts.
    2. i am 9 weeks preggo and as much as i appreciate your honesty, i am now completely freaked out! i had no idea about the catheter! yikes! but it’s all worth it…right….?

  • 4. jenferlouise  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Yesterday, my friend and I were discussing having children in the near future.

    Today. I think I just might wait.

  • 5. Stacie  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:39 am

    hmmm…maybe I’ll adopt. Ashley from Our Little Apartment had her baby almost the exact time you did, and reading both of your birthing experiences is just a liiiiiittle frightening 🙂

  • 6. Angela  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:46 am

    I was just talking with someone about the things that no one tells you about until you get pregnant and find out for yourself. Sometimes, it’s a little off putting, but I’m so glad to be able to find out this stuff now! It’s better to be prepared.

  • 7. Taryn M. Peine  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:47 am

    I appreciate this post! Pregnancy and childbirth are just one big freak show. At least at the end there’s a tiny precious baby. But you should save this post to show Jansen when he’s 15 and he’s all, “MOM you never let me do anything! GAH!”

  • 8. That Married Couple  |  September 22, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Thanks for sharing the reality of it all! I can’t wait for part 2!

  • 9. abby  |  September 22, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I’m seriously sitting at my desk laughing out loud… not at you, but at the way you say this stuff. Thanks for the heads up though. We have to band together!!

  • 10. Lauren from Texas  |  September 22, 2010 at 9:54 am


    “4. This is also true once the baby has made his arrival. Several times a day a nurse will come mush your belly and look in your panties. They act like this is a normal activity, it’s best if you act that way too.”

    I laughed ALOUD. That means I LOL’d for real.

    Love this! But now I’m scared.

  • 11. Southern Gal  |  September 22, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Well, I didn’t know until this morning that BL was on last night. Now I’m glad I didn’t know.

    You can tell it like it is! Except #5? What in the world???? I’ve never had that exoerience or ever heard of it happening to someone else before. Are you sure Pam was on staff?

    Fortunately my first (a girl) was a good nurser. If I had had my second baby (a boy) first then I would have given up on it all together. Nuff said.

  • 12. Southern Gal  |  September 22, 2010 at 9:59 am


    I don’t know what an exoerience is. Sorry.

  • 13. osarah  |  September 22, 2010 at 10:44 am

    The parts about Pam, farting and exploding boobs made me laugh. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  • 14. Taryn  |  September 22, 2010 at 11:24 am

    #11… yep, kinda nice to not have to get up to pee. In fact, having absolutely NO KNOWLEDGE that you are peeing is kind of a relief too! 🙂 It shocked a friend of mine that they put a tube (also a type of catheter) in your back for the epidural… that’s its not just sticking a needle in with the medicine and it’s done… that they actually leave it in your back!

    #14. God yes. Never WAIT to breastfeed. I had mastitis for awhile with Luke, even with all the feeding and pumping. And that hurts like crazy. And pumping? Seriously made me feel like a cow hooked up to a milk machine. Ugh. Lansinoh, breast shields and breast pads were my bestest friends!

  • 15. Taryn  |  September 22, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Oh and #4… they don’t do this for a c-section. But they do make you get up and walk ALL THE TIME. LIke at 3am. They have to make sure you’re mobile after cutting your abdominal muscles in half. 🙂

  • 16. Nora  |  September 22, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    I had no idea about the catheter either. I suppose it makes sense though 🙂

    thanks for sharing everything! So interesting to read all the different perspectives from different gals having babies right now.

  • 17. kristina billiot  |  September 22, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    I think the best part of vaginal delivery is feeling like you have to go number two the whole time your pushing I was more afraid there was about to be a code brown on the table! No the nurse would say thats just the pressure of the baby!

  • 18. Erin  |  September 22, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Yep, sounds about right. Welcome to motherhood! Just so you know: the breastfeeding pain DOES go away. But once you stop breastfeeding, Basketball Boobs return. I just finished going through that fun stuff. 🙂

  • 19. Veronica  |  September 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    oh my gosh, i laughed outloud in my cube at the farting one. i feel so enlightened. seriously, why does no one EVER tell you half this stuff??

  • 20. Mama Fuss  |  September 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    The epidural doesn’t ALWAYS suck. My first pregnancy, I felt NOTHING. They had to watch the monitors to tell me when to push (until the last few pushes – by then I could sort of tell, but even then – seriously. I felt NOTHING except the desire to push) Of course, i couldn’t feel my right leg for a full 24 hours after it was turned off, either, so there was that. This time it was much different and I wondered if it was working properly. But next time, it may feel very differently, so don’t worry about that aspect if/when you decide to have another baby.

    I don’t recall passing gas while on the epi. It’s possible I did and just didn’t hear it.

    I hate the beginning of breastfeeding. I was SO hoping it would be easier the second time around, but not so much (I’ve had friends who find it SO much easier once they’ve done it once. I’m not one of them). Get yourself some Lansinoh cream or some Nipple Butter cream and it will immensely help the pain in your nipples. Truly. And what Erin said above is not always the case. My daughter weaned slowly, so I didn’t have to go through the engorgement at the end of BFing – it just slowly dried up as she dropped feedings.

    I think one of the worst things after labor is the pushing on your tummy that everyone does – especially in the immediate aftermath of labor. My first pregnancy, the doctor gave me a quick extra spurt of epi before he started kneading me like tough bread dough, so that was extremely helpful. They didn’t do that this time.

    Also, I hate catheters with so much passion – my body likes to start depending on them, so I try to make sure that they are in for the least amount of time or they have to manually cath me later to get me started again. At least when you have the epi, they don’t put it in until you are numb and they take it out when you are pushing (or it comes out in the process) so you don’t have to feel it!

  • 21. Maureen  |  September 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    #5 and #8 made me laugh out loud!!!! You are funny!

  • 22. Melissa  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I love the honesty of this post. I am due with our first baby in about 3 weeks, so it was good to hear the “truth” from someone who has just gone through it. Sure, it may not all be fun to hear, but it’s always good to know before hand!!

  • 23. Parker's Mom  |  September 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Amen Sister!! Did you read mine about my birthing experience??

    I love that you are writing this and that you are so candid…my posting wasn’t as long, but it’s VERY similar!

    I can’t wait to see Jansen again! 😀

  • 24. mediumcrazy  |  September 23, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    oh god. I felt actually anxiety reading these posts (though I appreciate them.) I love my husband, but more than anything else this info. makes me want him to NOT be in the room with me. I’ll admit it, I try to stick to flattering lighting/positions when I can, no harm in trying to hide the flaws. And now I’m just supposed to let him witness ALL OF THIS. side note: he feels strongly that he should be able to witness the full show.


  • 25. Breanna  |  March 2, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    “you lose all ability to hold in a fart”…..hahahaha!!

    I have heard this, but never quite like you said it : ) I am fairly certain that this is going to be more humiliating for me than being exposed to every doctor, nurse, etc.

    Also, if anyone asks to look in my panties, I just may be breaking out the ninja moves.

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September 2010


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