Are Maternity Clothes Only For Pregnant Chicks?

There is a full length mirror on the bathroom door at work. It is a single bathroom. Just a toilet, trashcan, pedestal sink, and full length mirror. Now I love a good full-length mirror, but in the bathroom? Really? I’m not sure that anyone at my office is so hot that they like to look at their entire body each time they pee. I’m sorry if you think talking about staring at your body while peeing is TMI… Trust me, I don’t like it either. That’s my point. But there is nothing I can do about it. Someone put it there for a reason, I can’t just remove it.

So each time I visit the ladies’ room I have to decide. Do I turn to the left and look at the wall? Do I turn to the right and look at myself… while I pee? Or do I look forward and risk getting sprayed in the eye by the Air Wick FreshMatic? I’ve done the FreshMatic thing so many times that I think the quality of my contacts has seriously been compromised. And staring at the wall for 10 seconds just gets boring. So the mirror is really my only option.

Yesterday during one of my visits to the mirrored restrooms, I was noticing that my stomach is looking sort of swollen. Fat, if you will. Not cute. And not something I want to see. And honest to goodness, I literally thought, “I wish I were 3 months pregnant so this was acceptable.”

That’s not a good thought to have.

Last night I was invited to an event called Champagne, Color, and Chat. I had no idea what it was all about but I agreed to go because it had the word “champagne” in the event description and it was free. Free champagne. I’m classy like that. (I think it should be noted that, like an idiot, I forgot to have a glass of champagne. I had Chardonnay instead. Who does that?!) I got to the event and learned that the hostess is a consultant who, for lack of more eloquent words on my part, teaches people how to dress. Think “What Not to Wear”… but nicer. She’s got certificates and qualifications and all that fancy stuff. She does closest audits to teach you how to use the clothes you have. She takes you shopping if you need help narrowing down your search. She teaches you which colors work for your skin tone. Basically, she teaches you how you should dress. First, she discussed this season’s “in” colors so we can be on the look out to update our wardrobe.

I instantly thought that I was clearly not her target audience. The people that need to be there are people with money. People who won’t cry if they have to throw out old clothes. People who are willing to spend more that $11.99 on a new top. I was wearing a cami that I bought at a boutique in Kansas (yes, they do exist) when I was in at our family reunion circa 2004 and a cardigan that is so old that even Old Navy would ask me to stop wearing it. I’m not the type that can afford to update my wardrobe to keep up with the times. And honestly, I’m not that hip.

But then she mentioned that she can teach you how to dress your body. And this is a valuable lesson. Not all bodies should be created equal. So she can teach you how to dress yours. How to pick items that camoflauge your flawed spots. You know, like your pregnant belly that is filled with cheesecake, not baby. I guess I did need to be there…

— Here’s the info for any of you in Houston that might be interested. Her name is Stephanie and she’s awesome. Really, she’s not paying me to say this and I only officially met her yesterday. I just know that some of us need some help! http://www.uniqueyouimage.com/ Enjoy!

 

Maternity Clothes