To the Artist Formerly Known as Hootie,
I can’t take you seriously. Why didn’t you just stick with the Blowfish? You were a great team. But now you are Darius Rucker… what?! The big problem here is that I like your new song. But every time I realize that it is you, I want to change the station. And what’s up with that song “Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It”?? You are not a country boy. Don’t sing about whiskey and pain. You don’t come off as a reliable source.
I feel like this is all a joke. Like one day you are going to come out and say that you are Hootie and you’ve always been Hootie and you wanted to see if you could fool America. Is this a joke? Please say this is a joke. Please.
The Girl Formerly Known as Your Fan,
To the Man in the Car Next to Me,
I apologize for not letting you into my lane. You see, you drive a car. Your blinkers are on the front and back. If you drove an 18 wheeler, I would be able to see your indicator from the side. But you don’t… and that is not my fault. Please don’t angrily speed up and then cut me off. That doesn’t solve any problems. Next time, wait until you are in front of me. I will gladly slow down and let you in.
The Innocent Woman in the Merlot Murano,
To the Men at My Office,
Please don’t ask me to fill out your paperwork “because my handwriting is better.” You and I both know that that is a load of crap. Well, not entirely. My handwriting is better than yours. But you and I both know that the real reason you want me to fill out your paperwork is because you are lazy and I am a woman. I don’t mind doing it, it’s actually quite relaxing. But don’t lie. It makes you look like an idiot and it makes me feel inferior.
Also, why do you bring me a stack of papers and ask me to make 2 copies of them, staple them with this cover sheet, but make sure to staple them like this- not like that, and then put them in my office on the table next to those plans? You can’t put that stack on the copy machine, push “2” and “sort”? It took you longer to come explain your instructions to me than it would have for you to push those buttons. God gave you a brain, use it.
Oh, and the words “please” and “thank you” never hurt anyone.
The Girl in the Office by the Bathrooms with a Business Degree from The University of Texas McCombs School of Business,